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It sounds like your mother has succeeded in getting her needs met while mistreating first you and then your step-dad.To the extent the two of you have sanctioned her behavior by ignoring the mistreatment and doing her bidding, she has had no motivation to change.For example, you do not need to answer the phone when she calls.You do not need to defend your self when she critiques you.Mother came to visit me for a couple of days and when the sister was not answering the phone we both went back to her house.I think she left the house after my sister had taken an overdose.
Most people realize, to some degree or another, that it is in their best interest to nurture meaningful relationships and to treat others with appropriate levels of respect and concern.It took a lot of therapy to come to this understanding. But I have finally got a handle on her manipulation.Mother refuses any thought of being placed in a nursing home. I may appear to many on the outside as a raving bitch, but I put my foot down.To be fair the sister had other serious/terminal medical problems and battled depression for a long time; however, I think my mother gave her a push in that direction.In part because I think my mother thought she would inherit my sister's assets.
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unfortunatly I do not have an answer but the question really touched a nerve because I am in the same position.